A sweet older lady in our church came up to me after service last Sunday and told me how much seeing me go through this journey has encouraged her in her faith walk. She said that she was amazed at how strong my faith was and that she didn't think she could be as strong as I had been. I was floored! I've just felt like I've been putting one foot in front of the other to try to keep from being swallowed up by all the crazy thoughts and emotions that have come with finding the lump, diagnosis, surgery, recovery, and treatment. I have purposely done as much as I could, and probably sometimes more than I should have, to get over the surgery and to beat cancer. Honestly though, a lot of times, I haven't even thought about how it could grow my faith or strengthen my relationship with the Lord. I was doing what I had to do to survive.
Her comment has stuck with me all week. I've been trying harder to trust God's plan and to walk in it. I want this journey to be something that leads me into the arms of Jesus. In turn, I want others to be led to him because they see that my trust in him is what has brought me through the dark days and that my faith in him is what has encouraged me to keep going. I've been digging into Scripture more in the last week than I have in a really long time. I've also been purposely listening to some songs that really resonate with me right now.
One place I always return to in the Bible is the book of Ruth. I LOVE the story...to me, it is much more than just a story about a woman finding love. It's about a woman wholly trusting in God and living a life of faith, believing that he will take care of her, even when circumstances seem overwhelming. My favorite verse in the book is 1.16-17 "Don't urge me to leave you or turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me." Ruth had met God and was determined to know him more. Naomi could take her to a place where she could learn more about him. Ruth vowed this to Naomi because her love for the woman that taught her of God was great, but her love for God was to be greater. I want my life to draw me daily closer to God. And I want to tell him "Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay."
The title of this post comes from the song "Grace" by Laura Story. I put it in my playlist of songs I listen to on hard days, but I hadn't paid much attention to it until today. I feel like I have let God down because I haven't turned to him as much as I should have during all that has gone on in the last few months. I have probably missed several things that he's wanted to teach me because I wasn't paying attention. I've seen the miracles that he's done for me and through me during all of this, but I haven't let him teach me all that he could have. The song reminded me that I don't have to be discouraged about how I messed up yesterday...I just have to be open to his grace and teaching today. I have to turn to him daily, sometimes moment by moment, for all that I need. When I seek his face, I walk in his power and have daily sufficient grace. I don't need him to give me all I need at once. I need to daily return to him and let him give me what I need for that day. I can't take what I need for a week or a month because life quickly strips it from me. I have to daily depend on him to get me through. That is the only way that I'll be able to grow in my faith. That is the only way that his grace and love can shine through me.
Grace
My heart is so proud. My mind is so unfocused. I see the things You do through me as great things I have done. And now You gently break me, then lovingly You take me and hold me as my father and mold me as my maker. Chorus: I ask you: "How many times will you pick me up, when I keep on letting you down? And each time I will fall short of Your glory, how far will forgiveness abound?" And you answer: " My child, I love you. And as long as you're seeking My face, You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace." At times I may grow weak and feel a bit discouraged, knowing that someone, somewhere could do a better job. For who am I to serve You?I know I don't deserve You. And that's the part that burns in my heart and keeps me hanging on. Chorus* I ask you: "How many times will you pick me up, when I keep on letting you down? And each time I will fall short of Your glory, how far will forgiveness abounds?" And you answer: " My child, I love you. And as long as you're seeking My face, You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace." You are so patient with me, Lord. As I walk with You, I'm learning what Your grace really means. The price that I could never pay was paid at Calvary. So, instead of trying to repay You, I'm learning to simply obey You by giving up my life to you For all that You've given to me. Chorus: I ask you: "How many times will you pick me up, when I keep on letting you down? And each time I will fall short of Your glory, how far will forgiveness abounds?" And you answer: " My child, I love you. And as long as you're seeking My face, You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace."
Keep up the faith sister! I'm proud of you. None of us are faithful enough, but we are accepted and perfect just as we are in Christ. We can't do anything differently to make God any less or more pleased with us than He already is. For us who love Jesus, His work is complete, and we are just seeing it worked out in our lives and in our story that meshes with His now. We can rest in that.
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