daily sufficient grace

I'm going to try to write out something that has been on my heart for several days...I'm not sure if I can sufficiently put into words all that is there.

A sweet older lady in our church came up to me after service last Sunday and told me how much seeing me go through this journey has encouraged her in her faith walk. She said that she was amazed at how strong my faith was and that she didn't think she could be as strong as I had been. I was floored! I've just felt like I've been putting one foot in front of the other to try to keep from being swallowed up by all the crazy thoughts and emotions that have come with finding the lump, diagnosis, surgery, recovery, and treatment. I have purposely done as much as I could, and probably sometimes more than I should have, to get over the surgery and to beat cancer. Honestly though, a lot of times, I haven't even thought about how it could grow my faith or strengthen my relationship with the Lord. I was doing what I had to do to survive.

Her comment has stuck with me all week. I've been trying harder to trust God's plan and to walk in it. I want this journey to be something that leads me into the arms of Jesus. In turn, I want others to be led to him because they see that my trust in him is what has brought me through the dark days and that my faith in him is what has encouraged me to keep going. I've been digging into Scripture more in the last week than I have in a really long time. I've also been purposely listening to some songs that really resonate with me right now.

One place I always return to in the Bible is the book of Ruth. I LOVE the story...to me, it is much more than just a story about a woman finding love. It's about a woman wholly trusting in God and living a life of faith, believing that he will take care of her, even when circumstances seem overwhelming. My favorite verse in the book is 1.16-17 "Don't urge me to leave you or turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me." Ruth had met God and was determined to know him more. Naomi could take her to a place where she could learn more about him. Ruth vowed this to Naomi because her love for the woman that taught her of God was great, but her love for God was to be greater. I want my life to draw me daily closer to God. And I want to tell him "Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay."

The title of this post comes from the song "Grace" by Laura Story. I put it in my playlist of songs I listen to on hard days, but I hadn't paid much attention to it until today. I feel like I have let God down because I haven't turned to him as much as I should have during all that has gone on in the last few months. I have probably missed several things that he's wanted to teach me because I wasn't paying attention. I've seen the miracles that he's done for me and through me during all of this, but I haven't let him teach me all that he could have. The song reminded me that I don't have to be discouraged about how I messed up yesterday...I just have to be open to his grace and teaching today. I have to turn to him daily, sometimes moment by moment, for all that I need. When I seek his face, I walk in his power and have daily sufficient grace. I don't need him to give me all I need at once. I need to daily return to him and let him give me what I need for that day. I can't take what I need for a week or a month because life quickly strips it from me. I have to daily depend on him to get me through. That is the only way that I'll be able to grow in my faith. That is the only way that his grace and love can shine through me.

Grace

My heart is so proud. My mind is so unfocused.
I see the things You do through me as great things I have done. And now You gently break me, then lovingly You take me and hold me as my father and mold me as my maker.

Chorus:
I ask you: "How many times will you pick me up, when I keep on letting you down?
And each time I will fall short of Your glory, how far will forgiveness abound?"
And you answer: " My child, I love you.
And as long as you're seeking My face, You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace."

At times I may grow weak and feel a bit discouraged, knowing that someone, somewhere could do a better job. For who am I to serve You?I know I don't deserve You. And that's the part that burns in my heart and keeps me hanging on.

Chorus*
I ask you: "How many times will you pick me up, when I keep on letting you down?
And each time I will fall short of Your glory, how far will forgiveness abounds?"
And you answer: " My child, I love you.
And as long as you're seeking My face, You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace."
You are so patient with me, Lord.

As I walk with You, I'm learning what Your grace really means. The price that I could never pay was paid at Calvary. So, instead of trying to repay You, I'm learning to simply obey You
by giving up my life to you For all that You've given to me.

Chorus:
I ask you: "How many times will you pick me up, when I keep on letting you down?
And each time I will fall short of Your glory, how far will forgiveness abounds?"
And you answer: " My child, I love you.
And as long as you're seeking My face, You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace."

end of physical therapy and chemo treatment #2

God is still at it! I'm still doing really well with all the treatments and recovery. If it wasn't for the really dry skin and bald head, I would question whether they really gave me the right amount of chemo last time.

I went to my final physical therapy session on Thursday. I was supposed to have to go three times a week for four weeks, but the PT felt like I was at a point already where I only needed to go once a week. From the beginning, he told me that my range of motion in both shoulders was much further along than it should be for that point post surgery. When I finished Thursday, he told me that I have full range of motion in both shoulders and that that's not usually the case for seven weeks post surgery. I still have to do my exercises to help make sure scar tissue doesn't develop and cause problems.

Today, I had lab work done and then saw Dr. Young. I updated her on where I was in recovery and she was more than pleased at how well I'm doing. She was also amazed at my counts from the lab. She said it they are normal and that you wouldn't know I was taking chemo based on the results! She asked what side effects I had after the first treatment and told me to expect pretty similar side effects this time. So it looks like I'll be looking at some mild headaches, chemo mouth, and not really being able to taste things for a few days. I'm hoping for a repeat of very little nausea and tiredness.

The actual chemo treatment was looooong. I didn't get a private room this time and ended up with a new nurse even though we had requested to have the same one from last time (or at least I think we did). It seemed to take a really long time to get the drugs, even though Dr. Young had called in the orders for them before we got to the chemo floor. Then it seemed like it took way longer than two hours for them to be administered. Maybe I was just having a really cranky day and everything aggravated me though because it seemed like everything annoyed me today.

I have to go next week to see Dr. Runnels again. I think he'll add more saline to the tissue expanders. Hopefully, he'll have a better idea on how much longer it'll be before the procedure to switch from the expanders to the permanent implants.